HR Soapbox Blog

Why Can't We Be Friends?

(Published September 28, 2009)

If you didn't already know going in, I'm sure you learned pretty quickly that being in HR is a lonely place to be.

On the one hand, no one wants to be friends with HR in a corporate culture in which HR is viewed as the policy police, the master/mistress of discipline, or the hatchet(wo)man; in other words, the bearer of bad news and resident party pooper.

On the other hand, HR employees have plenty of reasons of their own to keep a personal distance from other staff members. No matter how circumspect your actions, forming close friendships can compromise the perception of your ability to do your job objectively and impartially; any employee outside your circle of friends could perceive that you take personal relationships into consideration on the job, even if you don't.

Then there's the matter of those who become your friends. Not all of them will be understanding of the lines you have to draw. Will they be mad that you didn't forewarn them that they were on the layoff list after they told you they were buying a new car or a bigger house? Will they expect you to be in their corner when their manager wants to give them a final warning?

No matter what, you obviously can't talk about confidential matters or other employees. Any work-related discussion in a social setting requires the "think before you speak" filter — you never know how that seemingly innocuous comment could come back to bite you later. Declare explicitly that you won't tell, so they shouldn't ask. If they continue to badger you for information and expect you to share HR secrets, they are not a good friend anyway.

Of course, "friends" is a relative term. Be friendly with everyone at work, but sharing intimate details about your personal life or going out for happy hour and venting about work should be saved for your non-work friends.

Just don't take it to the extreme and put up an invisible wall around yourself. You don't want to appear aloof and unapproachable just as much as you don't want to appear to be biased or indiscreet.

Gloria Ju
Editor in Chief

Posted by Editorial at 9/25/2009 2:21 PM

This is funny timing! Just had this discussion with a co-worker/ friend yesterday when he noted how guarded I am about work-related conversation. His perception was that withholding information indicated my lack trust in people.

I tried to explan that professionalism, a code of ethics and even laws exist to protect certain information. That everything has to pass through the need-to-know filter...whether you're my best friend, friendly coworker or even my well intentioned boss.
Posted by: Wendy at 9/29/2009 1:56 PM

I used to have a boss who frowned on us eating lunch with anyone outside of HR. His motto was a good HR person keeps their ears open and their mouth shut. In retrospect, probably fairly good advise.
Posted by: Kristy at 9/30/2009 2:27 PM

It's not just true of HR - this deinitely applies to anyone in a supervisory or management position, and should actually apply to all employees. It's all about professionalism. And in the case of HR and management it's often about legalities as well. The line between "friend" and "friendly" can be pretty fine sometimes, but the quickest way to sabotage your reputation and/or career is to cross it.

When it comes to work, it's always best to play it safe - if you wouldn't want what your comments broadcast on the 6 o'clock news, you probably should keep it to yourself.
Posted by: Terrie J at 9/30/2009 2:30 PM

You are so right. "Friends" who had lunch with me daily no longer wanted to eat with me after I explained my philosophy: Our friendship has nothing to do with my job.

Being friendly with me does not entitle you to "inside" information, and rules apply to you just as they do to others.

Yes, it's sometimes lonely, especially after a "friend" has been terminated, and I notice the lack of visitors to my office, but my skin is thick.
Posted by: Janie C at 9/30/2009 3:27 PM

I come to work to work, not make friends. This is what makes it easier. I am friendly with everyone, but am only that, nothing more. Sure it gets lonely some days when you just want to vent, but that is what a spouse is for. At least that is what I tell mine.
Posted by: TN at 9/30/2009 3:41 PM

I went from a clerical position to HR in the same company. What a transition! I learned quickly that I had to change eating in the office lunchroom and go off-site to avoid the inevitable discussions that go on in an employee kitchen. I didn't want to be "guilty by association". The employees teased me about becoming a snob but soon they understood the stance I was taking and it worked out well...integrity at all cost, but friendly.
Posted by: TCM at 9/30/2009 3:57 PM

As a former HR professional, I have to disagree. I don't believe you have to cut yourself off from your co-workers simply because you are in a position to uphold the rules and policies of the workplace. Every employee should be charged with upholding the rules and policies of the workplace and if they can't or won't, then it really doesn't matter if they know the personal details of your life. It all comes down to taking personal responsibility for your actions. If you break the rules at work, don't rely on friendships to keep you out of trouble. Understand that HR has a job to do and that as long as you are operating above board, you have nothing to fear.
Posted by: RB at 9/30/2009 4:34 PM

If the Mgmt at your organization puts HR is the position of being the Rule Masters, they're not doing you anyone any favors.
At my company, we rely on the managers to regularly promote that we have Company benefits, Company policies, Company handbook, etc. It is up to everyone - regardless of their position - to make sure we meet our goals, hone our vision and stay true to our values.
To do anything else suggests that we don't really have goals, vision or values.
Posted by: GB at 9/30/2009 7:37 PM

In my experience truly effective HR is built on strong work relationships. This includes eating lunch with pretty much anyone. No secrets needed, when a topic comes up that can't be discussed make the simple statement, "I can't talk about..." There is a difference between a compliance driven function and one that is an integral part of the growth of an organization.
Posted by: Rebecca Mazin at 9/30/2009 9:36 PM

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Why Can't We Be Friends?